Category: Sightings

Atheist Sees Image of Big Bang in Piece of Toast
For Immediate Release: Miracle Toast?

(ACPA-london) Excitement is growing in the Northern England town of Huddlesfield following the news that a local man saw an image of the big-bang in a piece of toast. atheist donald chapman, 36, told local newspaper, “the huddlesfield express” that he was sitting down to eat breakfast when an unusual toast pattern caught his eye.

“I was just about to spread the butter when I noticed a fairly typical small hole in the bread surrounded by a burnt black ring. however the direction and splatter patterns of the crumbs as well as the changing shades emanating outwards from this black hole were very clearly similar to the chaotic-dynamic non-linear patterns that one would expect following the big bang”. “It’s the beginning of the world” he added excitedly. images of the actual big bang toast are copywrighted by don chapman so we can only show this image which is a us govt public domain picture

Ever since news of the discovery made national headlines, local hoteliers have been overwhelmed by an influx of atheists from all over the country who have flocked to Huddlesfield to catch a glimpse of the scientific relic. “I have always been an Atheist and to see my life choices validated on a piece of toast is truly astounding” said one guest at the Huddlesfield arms hotel.

To the surprise of many, the UK national atheist association has asked its members not to pay attention to the story despite its potential to inspire less faith. “Given what the religious believe already, this is an easy sell” said one disgruntled activist who said he was going to huddlesfield anyway noting that “Seeing is not believing”.

Jesus Image Found in Tree Log

A furniture maker says he’s found a holy item and he’s been taking care of it religiously. Craig O’Connor has a block of wood that he chopped from a pine tree. On it, is an image of a Jesus-like figure with its arms outstretched. The tree rings form a kind of halo around the figure’s head.

I was just covered in goose bumps,” said O’Connor as he reminisced about his find. He had been helping out a friend, chopping trees in Burlington County nearly a year ago when he came upon the image. O’Connor said it looked like “Jesus ascending to heaven. Take me, thats what it looks like to me. It’s a natural stain, a natural sap stain.”

By counting the tree rings, O’Connor believes the tree was at least 40-50 years old. As a furniture maker of 25 years, O’Connor has worked with wood and seen plenty of different stains and marks. He says this one is radically different from all the others. O’Connor is a Catholic and believes it’s a sign from God. When asked what the message is, he replied that it’s like Jesus saying, “Believe in me. I’m still here. Have faith in me.” O’Connor says finding the image has helped his faith. He goes to church about 3-4 times a month and says he’s become a better person, less quick to become angry.

Now O’Connor is considering incorporating it into a piece of furniture he will make. He’s not sure what it will be, but imagines that it will be the centerpiece.

Quick…the 13th is just around the corner…plenty of time to get your sorry ass to the desert to meet up with Mary…who apparently has been a regular desert fan since 1989. And, single guys, in case you were wondering…apparently shes 5’5″, still looks like she’s 18, and a hottie…any takers?

Blessed Virgin Mary Sightings in Mojave Desert

We don’t need no water let the…well…if you know the song, you know where that was going. I stumbled upon this gem today and couldn’t pass it up.

Now, the symbolism here of the Pope seen in a fireball is just ripe for all sorts of interpretations. The faithful I’m sure see this as a symbol of strength, while I’m sure others see this as a sign the Pope is the Devil. What do you think? Personally, I think the Pope was just getting psyched up for a Kiss reunion tour.

A Yucaipa, CA couple were about to give their mangy mutts the heave-ho when Jesus stepped in to save the day.

“I’m probably not going to become a born-again evangelist, but I cannot deny that I think there was a spirit of redemption at work,” said Roger Bowman, 41. “I don’t know, maybe the dogs will save somebody in our swimming pool one day.”

I’m glad that Jesus is a dog lover.

This just in…Jesus is in Milwaukee, WI according to a 63 year old woman. Read all about it.

Of course Yankees and Mets fans may object to this sighting, because just 2 years ago Jesus was seen loitering about in a tree in Rochester, NY

This gives new meaning to the old joke “If I had a dog as ugly as you I’d shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.” This seems like an obvious Photoshop job to me, but it’s one of the most funny things I’ve seen…ever.

For some reason, it’s usually Jesus, or the Virgin Mary that shows up. But, just to keep things interesting, the Orthodox Jews bring this tasty morsel…if you like gefiltefish. What makes this one fun, is there really is a part of Jewish mystic belief that tells of the Messiah coming back to earth as a fish.

Word is made flesh as God reveals himself… as a fish

Edward Helmore New York
Sunday March 16, 2003
The Observer

An obscure Jewish sect in New York has been gripped in awe by what it believes to be a mystical visitation by a 20lb carp that was heard shouting in Hebrew, in what many Jews worldwide are hailing as a modern miracle.

Many of the 7,000-member Skver sect of Hasidim in New Square, 30 miles north of Manhattan, believe God has revealed himself in fish form.

According to two fish-cutters at the New Square Fish Market, the carp was about to be slaughtered and made into gefilte fish for Sabbath dinner when it suddenly began shouting apocalyptic warnings in Hebrew.

Many believe the carp was channelling the troubled soul of a revered community elder who recently died; others say it was God. The only witnesses to the mystical show were Zalmen Rosen, a 57-year-old Hasid with 11 children, and his co-worker, Luis Nivelo. They say that on 28 January at 4pm they were about to club the carp on the head when it began yelling.

Nivelo, a Gentile who does not understand Hebrew, was so shocked at the sight of a fish talking in any language that he fell over. He ran into the front of the store screaming: ‘It’s the Devil! The Devil is here!’ Then the shop owner heard it shouting warnings and commands too.

‘It said “Tzaruch shemirah” and “Hasof bah”,’ he told the New York Times, ‘which essentially means that everyone needs to account for themselves because the end is near.’

The animated carp commanded Rosen to pray and study the Torah. Rosen tried to kill the fish but injured himself. It was finally butchered by Nivelo and sold.

However, word spread far and wide and Nivelo complains he has been plagued by phone calls from as far away as London and Israel. The story has since been amplified by repetition and some now believe the fish’s outburst was a warning about the dangers of the impending war in Iraq.

Some say they fear the born-again President Bush believes he is preparing the world for the Second Coming of Christ, and war in Iraq is just the opening salvo in the battle of Armageddon.

Local resident Abraham Spitz said: ‘Two men do not dream the same dream. It is very rare that God reminds people he exists in this modern world. But when he does, you cannot ignore it.’

Others in New Square discount the apocalyptic reading altogether and suggest the notion of a talking fish is as fictional as Tony Soprano’s talking-fish dream in an episode of The Sopranos .

Stand-up comedians have already incorporated the carp into their comedy routines at weddings. One gefilte company has considered changing it’s slogan to: ‘Our fish speaks for itself.’

Still, the shouting carp corresponds with the belief of some Hasidic sects that righteous people can be reincarnated as fish. They say that Nivelo may have been selected because he is not Jewish, but a weary Nivelo told the New York Times : ‘I wish I never said anything about it. I’m getting so many calls every day, I’ve stopped answering. Israel, London, Miami, Brooklyn. They all want to hear about the talking fish.’

A devout Christian, he still thinks the carp was the Devil. ‘I don’t believe any of this Jewish stuff. But I heard that fish talk.’

He’s grown tired of the whole thing. ‘It’s just a big headache for me,’ he added. ‘I pull my phone out of the wall at night. I don’t sleep and I’ve lost weight.’