California Pastor Says God Told Him To Run For Governor; California Says Where’s Your Tax Returns

Ché Ahn, a self-described “apostle” who leads a global network of more than 25,000 ministries, says he prayed until 4:30 in the morning asking God for a sign about whether to run for governor of California. The sign, as Ahn describes it, arrived in the form of a text message informing him he’d be getting an email invitation to the White House. He took that as confirmation of his divine mandate. God, it turns out, communicates through Outlook.

Unfortunately for Ahn, California’s Secretary of State does not accept prophetic text messages in place of the five years of tax returns state law requires from gubernatorial candidates. Ahn’s campaign missed the March 6 filing deadline, and a Superior Court judge tossed his ballot bid, rejecting the argument that the tax-disclosure law was somehow unconstitutional.

Undeterred by the state’s very earthly paperwork requirements, Ahn is reportedly still fundraising and making campaign appearances without telling anyone he’s no longer eligible to be on the ballot. God apparently didn’t mention that part either.

Don’t take our word for it: Friendly Atheist has the full story. It’s exactly as described.

Local Man Chooses Superman Costume for Boat Burglary, Forgets the Part About Not Getting Caught

Somewhere in Hillsborough County, a man decided that if he was going to steal power tools out of a stranger’s boat cabin, he might as well do it dressed as the Man of Steel. James Tidwell allegedly helped himself to several items off a docked boat, and by all accounts felt so good about it that he never bothered changing out of the full Superman costume before deputies caught up with him.

Body camera footage shows Tidwell, cape and all, admitting to the theft as calmly as if he’d just saved a bus full of orphans instead of pocketing somebody’s cordless drill. He was charged with felony burglary of an unoccupied conveyance and first-degree petit theft, then released on a $5,500 bond — presumably back to whatever phone booth he uses to change into street clothes.

There is something almost poetic about a man choosing the costume of truth, justice, and the American way to commit a property crime. Superman never had to explain himself to a judge. James Tidwell will.

We did not make this up. TMZ has the receipts, cape included.

Defense Secretary Compares Rescued Pilot to the Resurrection of Jesus Christ, Because Why Not

When a U.S. Air Force officer was shot down over Iran and rescued during Easter weekend, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had a choice: describe it as a well-executed 155-aircraft joint operation, or describe it as a religious event with a body count of zero and a callback to the New Testament. He chose the latter.

Hegseth laid out the timeline like a sermon: “Shot down on a Friday — Good Friday — hidden in a cave, a crevice, all of Saturday, and rescued on Sunday. Flown out of Iran as the sun was rising on Easter Sunday.” The rescued officer’s first transmitted message upon activating his rescue beacon, according to Hegseth, was “God is good,” which is a very reasonable thing to say and a somewhat less reasonable thing for your Defense Secretary to then build an entire briefing-room metaphor around.

To be clear, actual human pilots, planners, and aircrews executed a massive coordinated rescue effort and pulled it off without a single American casualty. That is a genuinely impressive operation. It did not require a resurrection metaphor to be impressive. It required 155 aircraft and a lot of extremely competent people who are not, as far as we know, deities.

Foreign policy analysts have since noted this fits a broader pattern of Christian nationalist rhetoric coming out of the Pentagon lately. We have noted that “a pilot reborn” is a phrase that belongs in a movie trailer, not a Department of War press briefing.

Don’t take our word for it: CNN has the full story. It’s exactly as described.

Postal Worker Accused of Turning Her Mail Route Into a Stray Animal Recruitment Pipeline

A 77-year-old U.S. Postal Service worker in Martin County has been charged with animal cruelty after deputies discovered she had allegedly been collecting feral cats along her mail route and bringing them home. The final tally: 92 animals, 80 cats and 12 dogs, living inside a house with no air conditioning and up to a foot of animal waste on the floor.

Martin County Fire Rescue had to send in a hazmat team just to ventilate the property before anyone could safely go inside, which tells you roughly what mail delivery had turned into on this particular route. The sheriff called it one of the worst hoarding cases his office has ever handled, a sentence that carries real weight in Florida.

The animals are now recovering at the Humane Society of the Treasure Coast, many underweight or dealing with skin and dental issues. Several were microchipped, and at least five have already been reunited with their actual owners, meaning some of these cats had homes the entire time and simply got picked up along the way, like a very committed rewards program nobody signed up for.

Somewhere in Martin County there is a mail carrier position posting that badly, badly needs the phrase “no side projects” added to the job description.

We did not make this up. News4JAX has the receipts.

Scientists Officially Debunk the Baby Rattlesnake Myth That Fooled Everyone, Including Doctors, for 60 Years

Here is a fact you have probably repeated with total confidence at a campfire: baby rattlesnakes are more dangerous than adults because they can’t control their venom and “dump it all” in one bite. Here is the correction: that is completely false, and researchers at Loma Linda University just proved it with actual venom milkings.

Adult rattlesnakes produced an average of 120 milligrams of venom per milking. Juveniles produced less than 15 milligrams. The babies are not secretly more lethal. They are, in fact, working with a fraction of the ammunition. The myth apparently didn’t even exist before the late 1960s, at which point it got into newspapers and never left, eventually infecting the brains of 53% of surveyed Southern California students and, more alarmingly, 73% of emergency responders and health professionals.

So a rumor with no scientific basis outcompeted actual toxinology for over half a century, largely because it made a better story than the truth. The truth, notably, still involves a venomous snake biting you, which remains bad regardless of the snake’s age.

Consider this your one dose of real information for the week. Use it to correct someone smugly, then immediately go check every category on this website for the exact opposite of what we just did.

All of this actually happened. ScienceDaily confirmed it.

Kids in Rwanda Claim They Saw the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus on a Power Pole

Two primary school students in Musanze District, Rwanda, were walking home when they say the Virgin Mary appeared to them holding the infant Jesus. Her chosen venue, according to the children, was first an electricity pole, then a nearby tree. Of all the infrastructure available to a divine being, she reportedly went with utility hardware.

Word spread overnight. By the next morning, thousands of people had descended on the site, singing hymns, praying, and in some cases camping out to get a look. Some attendees left convinced they’d seen something. Others left having seen a power pole and a tree, which, to be fair, is what was actually there.

No church body has confirmed anything, no photos have surfaced showing more than a pole and some very committed crowds, and the students remain the only eyewitnesses to the actual apparition. Still, thousands of people rearranged their entire day around it.

We’re not saying it didn’t happen. We’re saying the utility company should probably send someone out to check that pole regardless.

Don’t take our word for it: reports from Musanze have the full story. It’s exactly as described.

Palm Bay Woman Booked on New Felony After Cocaine Falls Out of Her During Jail Intake

Reagan Cox was already having a rough Saturday, having just been arrested for resisting an officer during a traffic stop. Things did not improve at Brevard County Jail, where a body scanner flagged an “abnormality” in her lower body area during intake. Deputies asked her to move. A plastic bag containing 3.8 grams of cocaine promptly hit the floor.

Cox, thinking on her feet, offered an explanation: someone must have put it there during an “intimate encounter.” Deputies were apparently unmoved by this theory, and Cox now faces an additional felony charge for introducing contraband into a detention facility, on top of the original resisting charge.

The Brevard County Sheriff’s Office did not comment on the physics of the alleged intimate encounter in question, and frankly, neither will we.

Florida’s ongoing contribution to jurisprudence continues: it turns out a body scanner beats a good story every time.

We did not make this up. Click Orlando has the receipts.

Judge Tells DOJ, for the Eighth Time, That It Cannot Just Have Everyone’s Voter Data

In a stunning display of a co-equal branch of government actually functioning, U.S. District Judge Claria Horn Boom dismissed a Department of Justice lawsuit demanding Kentucky hand over unredacted voter rolls, including residents’ driver’s license and Social Security numbers. Because apparently that needed to be litigated.

Boom isn’t some rogue outlier here, either. She’s the eighth Trump-appointed judge to look at this exact demand from this exact administration and say some version of “no, federal law does not grant you unfettered access to a state’s private citizen data, thanks for asking.” The DOJ has now sued 30 states and D.C. over this, going 0-for-a-lot.

Boom leaned on a recent 6th Circuit ruling against the same maneuver in Michigan, which means the losing streak now has actual appellate backup. The DOJ, undeterred by math, has already asked for a rehearing.

It’s not much, but for one Thursday in Kentucky, basic data privacy law beat out a federal agency’s group project. We’ll take the win.

All of this actually happened. Louisville Public Media confirmed it.

White House Official Marks America’s 250th Birthday by Declaring the President Ordained by God

Nothing says “250 years of secular democratic government” quite like a sitting White House Deputy Chief of Staff announcing that the president was hand-picked by the Almighty. On July 4th, Stephen Miller took to X to inform the nation that “it is impossible to review the events of the last decade and conclude that it is anything other than divine providence that Donald J. Trump is the President of the United States.”

Setting aside the events of the last decade, which include several things a benevolent deity would probably not sign off on, the timing here is the real gift. Independence Day. The 250th anniversary. A senior government official casually upgrading his boss’s résumé from “elected official” to “chosen one.”

The internet, as it does, noticed the vibe shift immediately, with plenty of commentary drawing comparisons to cult messaging rather than campaign messaging. Somewhere, the Founding Fathers are checking to make sure the separation of church and state didn’t quietly expire with a rider attached to an appropriations bill.

We’re filing this one under Sightings because apparently you don’t need to see a figure in the clouds anymore. You can just post about it.

Don’t take our word for it: The Daily Beast has the full story. It’s exactly as described.

Man Sees the Antichrist, Crashes on I-75, Tries to Steal the Helicopter Sent to Save Him

Riley Ferrer, 28, was driving north on I-75 in Hernando County around 12:15 a.m. when he apparently locked eyes with the Antichrist. We don’t know what the Antichrist looks like, but whatever Ferrer saw was compelling enough to make him lose control of his pickup truck, veer off the road, and slam into a sedan carrying two other people, both of whom were seriously injured.

Naturally, the correct response to causing a horrific crash is to wait calmly for help. Ferrer instead chose option two: as fire rescue crews prepped the injured victims for transport, he ran past the stretchers and tried to commandeer the medical helicopter idling nearby. Not carjack it. Not borrow it. Steal a medevac helicopter, mid-rescue, with patients still on the ground.

Troopers caught up with him before liftoff and charged him with three counts of resisting an officer without violence and one count of burglary of an occupied conveyance, which is an oddly polite legal term for “attempted helicopter theft.”

No word yet on whether the Antichrist filed a police report of his own, or whether he’s just relieved Ferrer didn’t try to recruit him as a copilot.

We did not make this up. The Hernando Sun has the receipts.