America Finally Gets a Pope. He’s From Chicago.

For as long as anyone could remember, the conventional wisdom was that the United States — the world’s lone superpower — would never produce a pope. Too powerful. Too political. Too much of a lightning rod. The cardinals would never do it.

America Finally Gets a Pope

Then on May 8, 2025, white smoke rose from the Sistine Chapel, and Cardinal Robert Prevost of Chicago, Illinois, emerged as Pope Leo XIV. The 267th Bishop of Rome. The first American pope in the history of the Catholic Church.

He’s from Chicago. He picked the name Leo XIV in honor of Leo XIII, who championed workers’ rights during the Industrial Revolution, because apparently the new pope took one look at AI and income inequality and decided we were doing that again. Bold call. We respect it.

The theological implications of an American pope leading 1.4 billion Catholics are, to put it mildly, substantial. The political implications in a country currently arguing about whether the president is Jesus are also worth watching.

Deep dish pizza. The Blues Brothers. Now the Pope. Chicago has been quietly building toward this for decades, and honestly, it tracks. Because if you know anything about the Blues Brothers — also from Chicago, also on a divine errand — then you already know exactly what kind of energy the first American Pope is bringing to the Vatican.

“It’s 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark… and we’re wearing sunglasses.”

Hit it.

Full details at National Catholic Reporter and CNN.

Florida Man Hides Gun Under Prosthetic Breasts at Construction Site, Claims Costume Party

We need to talk about Matthew Zaccarino, 39, of Florida, who was found alone in a vehicle on a private construction site in the early hours of December 14th, wearing a red lace bra, G-string, and a pair of prosthetic silicone breasts.

Florida Man Hides Gun Under Prosthetic Breasts at Construction Site, Claims Costume Party

Deputies discovered a loaded 9mm pistol on the floorboard. The prosthetic breasts, upon closer inspection, had been used to conceal it. The Polk County Sheriff’s Office, with admirable professionalism, noted that the discovery was, and we quote: “It was ugly.”

When asked to explain himself, Zaccarino said he was on his way to a costume party. Deputies asked where the party was. Zaccarino stopped talking.

He was charged with armed trespassing, loitering, prowling, and resisting an officer without violence. The “without violence” part is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that sentence.

We’re not here to judge anyone’s lifestyle choices. We’re here to note that a construction site at midnight is a deeply unconventional venue for a costume party, and that if you’re going to hide a firearm in your lingerie, you probably shouldn’t also be trespassing on private property at the same time. That’s just solid life advice. Free of charge.

CBS Miami has the full report. It is exactly as described.

Florida Man Celebrates Birthday by Stealing a Tourist Train. On Meth. Picks Up Passengers.

Most people celebrate their birthday with cake. Maybe a dinner out. Jonathan Patrick Winslow, 57, of Key West, chose differently.

Florida Man Celebrates Birthday by Stealing a Tourist Train. On Meth. Picks Up Passengers.

On July 4th — his birthday, and also America’s birthday, which feels significant — Winslow approached a Conch Tour Train employee, claimed he used to work there years ago, and asked for “a tour.” What he actually did was steal the train, take it for a joyride through Key West, and pick up two random passengers along the way. His own car was left running at the depot with rock music blasting on the radio.

When police caught up with him, Winslow was “speaking rapidly and appeared excited.” When informed of the charges, he clarified that he had merely borrowed the trolley. And also: today is his birthday.

Police found a glass meth pipe in his swimming trunks.

The charges: burglary, grand theft auto, and possession of drug paraphernalia. The passengers he picked up were not charged, which raises the question of what exactly they thought was happening when a 57-year-old stranger on a stolen tourist train offered them a ride on the Fourth of July in Key West.

Florida. Every single time.

It’s real: Click Orlando has the full story. Happy birthday, Jonathan.

CONFIRMED: Jesus Has Been Spotted at the White House Easter Lunch

We’ve been waiting years for an official White House Jesus sighting. It happened on April 1st. Yes, April Fool’s Day. We cannot stress enough that this is not a joke.

CONFIRMED: Jesus Has Been Spotted at the White House Easter Lunch

At a White House Easter lunch attended by over 100 faith leaders, Trump’s personal spiritual advisor Paula White-Cain stepped to the mic and compared the President of the United States to Jesus Christ. Specifically: “You were betrayed and arrested and falsely accused” — said to Donald Trump, in the East Room, on the record. She then drew a direct line from Christ’s crucifixion and resurrection to Trump’s political comeback.

The White House, apparently having a rare moment of self-awareness, quietly deleted the video from its website shortly after posting it.

The backlash was swift and came from all directions, including fellow Christians, who used words like “blasphemous,” “insanity,” and “morally dangerous.” Which are strong words for Easter Sunday, but here we are.

For the record: this site has been tracking Jesus sightings for years. Grilled cheese. Toast. Tree bark. A water stain in an underpass in Chicago. We’ve seen it all. But this is the first time the sighting has been confirmed by a White House official at a catered event.

The sighting is official. We’re logging it.

Don’t take our word for it: The Christian Post and The New Republic have the full story. The White House deleted the video, but the internet is forever.

JD Vance Is Writing a Book Called “Communion” and We Have Questions

The Vice President of the United States — a man theoretically responsible for being one heartbeat away from running the free world — has announced a new memoir. It’s called Communion: Finding My Way Back to Faith. It comes out in June. It’s 304 pages. He wrote it while in office.

JD Vance Is Writing a Book Called “Communion” and We Have Questions

Let’s start with the title. Communion. As in the ritual where Catholics consume the body and blood of Jesus Christ. The man is naming his political positioning document after eating Jesus. We respect the commitment to the bit.

The book chronicles Vance’s spiritual journey: raised Christian, became an atheist, converted to Catholicism in 2019. Which means in the span of a few years, JD Vance went from “God isn’t real” to “actually, God is real AND I eat him on Sundays.” That’s a journey. That’s a whole thing.

This is, obviously, a 2028 presidential campaign launch in book form. The playbook is older than the Eucharist itself: write faith memoir, hit the speaking circuit, run for president. We’ve seen this movie. We know how it ends.

What we haven’t seen before is a sitting Vice President publishing a book while actively in office, while the country is at war with Iran, while eight million people just marched in the streets. But sure. 304 pages about finding Jesus. Totally normal. Carry on.

The sighting is confirmed: Jesus has appeared in the political memoir of the Vice President of the United States. Again.

We did not make this up. CNN and Euronews have the receipts.

Vultures Led Cops to a Suitcase Full of Human Remains at a Place Called “The Compound”

Only in Florida does a murder investigation begin with a wildlife tip.

Vultures lead cops to human remains in suitcase at The Compound

Palm Bay, Florida. A 19-year-old named Lucas Sander Jones allegedly did what any reasonable person does when faced with a body disposal problem: stuffed the remains into suitcases and left them in a remote area of the city known — wait for it — as The Compound.

Here’s where it gets very Florida: police didn’t find the suitcases on their own. The vultures found them first. Officers responding to the scene “encountered vultures swarming around an abandoned suitcase.” The birds just… led them there. Nature’s detectives. Working for free. Probably not the first time they’ve done this.

Lucas is now facing charges of tampering with evidence, abuse of a dead human body, and improper disposal of human remains. Not murder charges, mind you — just the “you really botched the cover-up” charges.

The Compound. Vultures. A teenager. Suitcases. Florida is not even trying to hide what it is anymore. And honestly? We respect the consistency.

The birds knew. The birds always know.

Don’t take our word for it: WPXI has the full story. It’s exactly as described.

8 Million People Said “No Kings” on the Day We Celebrate a Guy Who Rode Into Jerusalem to Say Exactly That

On March 28th — Palm Sunday, for those keeping score — an estimated eight million Americans took to the streets in what organizers are calling the largest single-day protest in American history. The protest was called “No Kings.”

8 million people No Kings protest Palm Sunday

Palm Sunday, in case you need the refresher, is the day Christians commemorate Jesus riding into Jerusalem on a donkey, specifically to confront the ruling political and religious establishment of his time. He was making a point. They crucified him for it five days later.

We’re not saying anything. We’re just noting the date.

The protests spanned all 50 states, plus Italy, France, Germany, and Spain. Demonstrators cited the Iran war, ICE enforcement operations, and the general vibe of watching democracy do something weird in slow motion. In West Palm Beach — Florida, naturally — Trump supporters showed up to clash with protesters, because of course they did.

Bruce Springsteen performed at the flagship rally in Minnesota. Because apparently even The Boss knows when it’s time to ride into Jerusalem.

The irony is almost too clean to be accidental. Eight million people, on the holiest week in the Christian calendar, marching under the banner of “No Kings” — echoing the words of a guy who got executed by an empire for doing exactly the same thing two thousand years ago.

Rational thought: sometimes it shows up on a Sunday, wearing sandals, riding a donkey.

All of this actually happened. Eight million people. Palm Sunday. Make of that what you will.

Wild Pig Reminds Us Jesus Was Jewish

People seem to conveniently forget that Jesus was Jewish.  He almost certainly kept Kosher, or whatever the dietary rules were at the time.  And, in the small Polish city of Ruda Slaska, a wild Board decided to voice his dis-pleasure to the bacon eating folks in the town church.

"Fortunately, they managed to quickly scare the boar away, and no one got injured," a police official said, adding that the animal smashed two vases and broke an effigy of Jesus Christ during its rampage.

Now, I applaud the “unholy beast” for his attempt at civil disobedience, but the fact remains that bacon is meat candy, and if God wanted us to be vegetarians, he wouldn’t have made animals out of meat.