Category: Florida

We need to talk about Matthew Zaccarino, 39, of Florida, who was found alone in a vehicle on a private construction site in the early hours of December 14th, wearing a red lace bra, G-string, and a pair of prosthetic silicone breasts.

Deputies discovered a loaded 9mm pistol on the floorboard. The prosthetic breasts, upon closer inspection, had been used to conceal it. The Polk County Sheriff’s Office, with admirable professionalism, noted that the discovery was, and we quote: “It was ugly.”

When asked to explain himself, Zaccarino said he was on his way to a costume party. Deputies asked where the party was. Zaccarino stopped talking.

He was charged with armed trespassing, loitering, prowling, and resisting an officer without violence. The “without violence” part is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that sentence.

We’re not here to judge anyone’s lifestyle choices. We’re here to note that a construction site at midnight is a deeply unconventional venue for a costume party, and that if you’re going to hide a firearm in your lingerie, you probably shouldn’t also be trespassing on private property at the same time. That’s just solid life advice. Free of charge.

CBS Miami has the full report. It is exactly as described.

Most people celebrate their birthday with cake. Maybe a dinner out. Jonathan Patrick Winslow, 57, of Key West, chose differently.

On July 4th — his birthday, and also America’s birthday, which feels significant — Winslow approached a Conch Tour Train employee, claimed he used to work there years ago, and asked for “a tour.” What he actually did was steal the train, take it for a joyride through Key West, and pick up two random passengers along the way. His own car was left running at the depot with rock music blasting on the radio.

When police caught up with him, Winslow was “speaking rapidly and appeared excited.” When informed of the charges, he clarified that he had merely borrowed the trolley. And also: today is his birthday.

Police found a glass meth pipe in his swimming trunks.

The charges: burglary, grand theft auto, and possession of drug paraphernalia. The passengers he picked up were not charged, which raises the question of what exactly they thought was happening when a 57-year-old stranger on a stolen tourist train offered them a ride on the Fourth of July in Key West.

Florida. Every single time.

It’s real: Click Orlando has the full story. Happy birthday, Jonathan.

Only in Florida does a murder investigation begin with a wildlife tip.

Palm Bay, Florida. A 19-year-old named Lucas Sander Jones allegedly did what any reasonable person does when faced with a body disposal problem: stuffed the remains into suitcases and left them in a remote area of the city known — wait for it — as The Compound.

Here’s where it gets very Florida: police didn’t find the suitcases on their own. The vultures found them first. Officers responding to the scene “encountered vultures swarming around an abandoned suitcase.” The birds just… led them there. Nature’s detectives. Working for free. Probably not the first time they’ve done this.

Lucas is now facing charges of tampering with evidence, abuse of a dead human body, and improper disposal of human remains. Not murder charges, mind you — just the “you really botched the cover-up” charges.

The Compound. Vultures. A teenager. Suitcases. Florida is not even trying to hide what it is anymore. And honestly? We respect the consistency.

The birds knew. The birds always know.

Don’t take our word for it: WPXI has the full story. It’s exactly as described.